Natus Vincere Weekly Review #6

Another week, another weekly review. Today we celebrate Na`Vi's haters burned in hell victories, so today's edition will be even longer and more fun than usual. In this weekly review you will find out how to lose tactically on purpose, who deletes undesirable comments on the site, what happened to the team's ESL account, and much more. Finally, we will review Natus Vincere's week with our patented SINK-METER. By the way, Google already wants to purchase it. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen.


Let's start with our matches having been rescheduled for the G-1 qualifier where more most of the games were mixed up due to the hackers' attacks. The organizers paused the qualifier and proposed to avoid smoking using Skype during the games, due to the security bugs attached with it. There were even some suggestions to hold qualifiers privately and stream the VODs afterward which would have made a significant number of those who carelessly purchased tickets for DotaTV unhappy. In the meantime, the Ukrainian part of team Natus Vincere full of true HPW (High Ping Warriors) is ready to play even with 1k ping. Unfortunately, the German and the Estonians were not as hardcore, turning out to be LBP (Low Ping Bastards), saying that in order to play Dignitas it's necessary to fly over to San Francisco and fight them without Skype on LAN. In that case, they say, the victory is guaranteed. What have we learned from the story? It's better to play on LAN in San Francisco than over the Internet in Kiev.


While Clement is trying to find out how many transfers are necessary to fly to San Francisco for $300, we're moving onto the rescheduled check-in. What do you do if you have 1,100 players who want to play and only 512 slots? The WSC (SC2) organizers decided to let the natural selection work for them and opened the final check-in an hour before it had been announced. As a result, 512 people filled the slots in the first 90 seconds while most of the famous players would have missed out on their chance to participate because nobody informed them. When HappyZerg was about to miss the whole thing, one of the 512 registered players didn't show up, so the slot was filled by the player of team Natus Vincere. The galaxy was rescued once again. What do we take away from this story? First catch your hare, then cook him.


Do you like hating Na`Vi in the comments? Then you must have noticed that should you leave an offensive comment, it starts burning and then disappears leaving the scorched smell. You might ask, what the heck? The thing is that the assistance for all the sane users comes from Uncle Styopa Alexander. His job is best illustrated by the picture below:




The takeaway? The appropriate comments at are now protected by law!


While you might be trying to test's new hater-proof system, we're moving onto the yet another secret weapon of Clement. Since everyone now knows about the tactical pause, he invented a new feature - tactical death. In the match against Red Pandas at JD Masters team Natus Vincere wanted to kill Roshan really bad. But one does not simply kill Roshan - somebody had to stay and hold the enemies. It fell to captain of the team, so:



While the community is waiting for the Merlini police to expose more of Na'Vi's treachery, we should tell you that Clement has a pair of jokers up his sleeve, like this tactical unit:



What conclusion can be made out of this? Clement is a true entertainer.


While everyone held their breath expecting some cool tricks from Clement, somebody cleaned up hacked the team's ESL account. Like they say, let's get retarded:




93 players were accepted to the team in a single day. All these luckers can now rant about it to their friends. And what have YOU achieved?What have we learned from the story? Natus Vincere have no problems with kicking almost hundred of players out of the team any day of the week.


Thanks to Gleb we now can move onto Na`Vi's victory at JD Masters. Despite the absence of top teams, the tournament was a must for Natus Vincere. The team showed how just a few days of practice can change everything. Na`Vi finally managed to overcome their "PL curse" at this tourney. It's not the best Lancer by far - still, the progress has been made. If you hit your head against PL long enough, you'll finally discover the right place to hit.


To honor this victory, our video-guy made another clip which has nothing to do with Natus Vincere but shows what asstronauts pick Wisps:



What have learned from this vid? Don't troll the trolls!


Money is never too much. This said, the champagne went all over the place after the Europeans got an opportunity to buy Natus Vincere's apparel. While the less progressive part of the Russian-speaking community was boiling over the unknown symbols, Natus Vincere were smiling very friendlily to the European fans while our greedy management was getting ready to send the first raglans to Guadeloupe. From now on, every item labeled with the Na`Vi logo can be sent to any part of the world, thanks to our new partners. You don't believe us, do you? Go to Guadeloupe and see for yourself then! What should you have learned from this paragraph? YOU NEED NATUS VINCERE RAGLAN, BUY IT NOW!


While you're trying to find your credit card, we are moving onto the team's involvements in space once again. First, Strelok qualified for WCS doubling the number of Na`Vi players at this tournament. Later, Natus Vincere disappointed team Fnatic in EMS, but more on this is coming later. Meanwhile, feel free to congratulate our SC2-players in the comments. What information should you extract from this paragraph? Black and orange are no longer the same team they used to be before their Editor-in-Chief left Fnatic.


As usual, we saved the most delicious piece of news for the end. The EMS One victory. While it tasted like the sweetest dessert for Na`Vi's fans, for the haters it turned out to be a very effective laxative. The management of Natus Vincere knew that the team had some serious plans for Fnatic, and by "serious" we mean the uncontrolled desire to destroy the opponent. As we can see, this desired turned into reality: the black and orange couldn't take a single tower in the first match and making no kills in the second one. Now these guys will learn that no massage can set you up for the victory more than a fresh juicy banana!




Next team were Mouz. Natus Vincere had an even stronger desire to destroy them. Judge for yourself: they didn't let Na`Vi go through SLTV, defeated them in WePlay DotA2, made Kuroky wear a female dress and wanted to get away with it?


First map of the final showed what schizophrenia is what happens if you drink RedBull with bananas. RoX.KiS took advantage of just that, but Na`Vi managed to play flawlessly the second and third map taking the well deserved first place. What have we learned thanks to EMS? Bananas are almost as cool as the tactical pause.


But not just that, we also learned another important thing at EMS One:


image image

Now we know what criteria have been used to determine the captain of team Natus Vincere.


Woof. Finally, done with the article. It means the time for the sink-meter has arrived. We kindly ask all pregnant women, emotionally unstable people, non-traditional sexual orientation activists (as applicable) and haters to close this post right now.


Event Level of immersion
Last week's standing 11 meters
Rigged check-in at WCS 1 meter
ZeroGravity on duty ↑1 meter
Tactical death 2 meters
Hacked ESL account 2 meters
Funn1k pulled himself out of Empire 3 meters
Victory at JD Masters 5 meters
Na`Vi's apparel delivered worldwide 5 meters
Strelok qualified for WCS 3 meters
Defeat Fnatic in SC2 2 meters
Victory at EMS One 20 meters
Schizophrenia in the final ↓3 meters
Tactical unit 2 meters
Basketball players in Na`Vi 1 meter
Total: ↑29 meters


As you can see, the team not only swam up to the surface, but even flew 29 meters above it, thanks to DotA2 and SC2 rosters as well as the management. Way to go, Na`Vi! Want to prove the sink-meter wrong? Welcome to the ban the comment section below! Suggest your own criteria for the sink-meter and if we find it good enough - we'll add it!

AuthorXeozor Date23 April 2013, 16:04 Views9979 Comments384
Comments (0)
Only registred users can post comments. Login